FADE IN:
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
The PRESIDENT is sitting at his desk, BLACKBERRY in hand, texting to MICHELLE NOBAMA. Another buzzer on his desk is ringing but the PRESIDENT ignores it.
CLOSE UP ON:
BLACKBERRY screen. We can see the text which the PRESIDENT has received. The visible portion says "WTF are we going 2 do with this dog?"
CUT TO:
The PRESIDENT is texting frantically, glancing at the buzzing telephone. The buzzer keeps ringing in the background.
CLOSE UP ON:
BLACKBERRY screen. This time we see the PRESIDENT'S message sending out "We need 2 keep the dog, MICHELLE.
CUT TO:
BLACKBERRY screen. MICHELLE'S message reads: "The dog keeps nipping at the children. Can't you do something?"
CUT TO:
BLACKBERRY screen. The PRESIDENT texts back: "Chill, MICHELLE, I'll send someone 2 u.
PAN TO:
The PRESIDENT'S face, annoyed, looking at the buzzing telephone. He picks it up.
PRESIDENT
Go.
CUT TO:
INT. HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICE - DAY
The Secretary for Homeland Security, JUNE NEOPOLITAN, a woman of late middle age, porcine, with cropped hair, is outfitted with black protective gear from head to toe. She sweeps up a visored face protector on her black helmet and whispers into the phone.
JUNE NEOPOLITAN
Can you feel it, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT
Excuse me? Feel what?
JUNE NEOPOLITAN
The storm clouds are gathering...
PRESIDENT
Yes, yes, I can feel it. But WTF are you talking about, June?
JUNE NEOPOLITAN
The militias. Can you feel them? Are you feeling them, Mr. President?
PRESIDENT
Sure, sure, I feel it. The storm clouds are gathering. I know, I know...
JUNE NEOPOLITAN creeps to the window, looks out.
PAN TO:
A throng of reporters, news trucks, and microphones is arrayed on the sidewalk outside.
JUNE NEOPOLITAN
Oh, dear!
(alarmed)
They're not happy. They don't look happy.
PRESIDENT
Who doesn't look happy, Mrs. NEOPOLITAN?
JUNE NEOPOLITAN
There's an angry crowd outside my window. Shouting!..signs!...Ohmigod!
PRESIDENT
(thoughtfully and with studied manner)
Hmmm... Well, are you sure they're not Tea Party people?
JUNE NEOPOLITAN
They're not Tea Party people, Mr. President. They're Canadians!
PRESIDENT
(strokes his chin)
Hmmm...Canadians, you say? Well, could that be because of your comments that the 9-11 terrorists came across the Canadian border? It could be that...hmmmm.
(his face puckers)
It could very well be that I think. At least, it's in the nature of that, or rather related to the nature of things, as you all know.
JUNE NEOPOLITAN
Mr. President?
PRESIDENT
Yes, June?
JUNE NEOPOLITAN
Are you still there?
PRESIDENT
I'm here, June. Very much here. I'm on it. I'll get someone out to you. Don't lose faith. Audacity, June, audacity! I'm on it.
The PRESIDENT hangs up the phone and pushes a button on his desk. Entering immediately into the room is the president's CHIEF OF STAFF, a short man whose height reaches just above the PRESIDENT'S belt line.
CHIEF OF STAFF
What can I do for you, sir? I can do anything, anything! I can make phone calls, I can sit on your lap, I can do a grande-plie, I can enlist the media to help us out of any jam, any jam, any jam at all!
PRESIDENT
That's what I've hired you for, Runn! To do what needs to be done. To get this administration rolling, to keep it rolling, to make things happen fast and snappy just the way we like them.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Fast and snappy, that's the way we like things, Mr. President. You want me to call some reporters at NBC?
PRESIDENT
I've already talked to the top GE execs, Runn. In return for cap and trade contracts,they'll do us a big favor. They assure me they'll make every account of JUNE NAPOLEON'S gaffe disappear or heads will roll. They've put the kabob on Santelli, on Kernan, on that whole runaway train morning thing on CNBC. What's it called?
CHIEF OF STAFF
Squawk. It's call Squawk, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT
Well they've got that cute girl...
CHIEF OF STAFF
Becky Quick? Too smart for words! And went to a shitty state school besides...
PRESIDENT
Well, we've got to get a lid on that Morning Squawk, that we do. That's when that garlic-nose Eyetalian Santelli guy started this whole tax rebellion thing.
(pauses)
State school, did you say?
CHIEF OF STAFF
Rutgers, I believe.
PRESIDENT
Rutgers? You kidding me?
CHIEF OF STAFF
Worked her way up the hard way.
PRESIDENT
It's not who you know, it's who you blow...
CHIEF OF STAFF (laughing)
Let's not talk about that, could we?
PRESIDENT
I'll soon decide what we talk about, Runn. I'm the PRESIDENT. I'm the PRESIDENT. The PRESIDENT gets to decide, and I will make that decision in due time, at the appropriate moment, when the time is right, as we get more distance between ourselves and the corrosive Bush policies, and as we get the country back on track. We will, you know, we will get the country back on track.
CHIEF OF STAFF
Mr. President?
The PRESIDENT is startled out of his revery.
PRESIDENT
Yes, Runn. What can I do for you? I mean...what can we do for each other? I mean..what can we do about the JUNE NEOPOLITAN thing?
CHIEF OF STAFF
Don't worry, Mr. President. We'll give it the MMO treatment. Maddow, Matthews, and Olbermann. They'll hit our base.
PRESIDENT
Yes, but the Canadians...
CHIEF OF STAFF
The Canadians? Oh, yes... Do you remember when you told America you wanted to revise the trade legislation with Canada?
PRESIDENT
I did?
CHIEF OF STAFF
You did. But you can do just that, only make the revision a more favorable trade deal for the Canadians than the one we have now. They'll be pleased. They'll stop laughing at us, and NAPOLEONO will announce that tensions with our border nations have been eased through clever diplomacy.
The PRESIDENT takes out his BLACKBERRY and looks at it again.
CLOSE UP ON:
A new message appears. "The dog has piddled. Get U R S over 2 the crib."
FADE OUT:
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