Zawahiri – Bin Laden Film Opens in Tora-Bora

Scene: Two rather comfortable caves in the mountains between Iraq and Pakistan. Split screen: UBL in one, Ayman Zawahiri in another.

UBL: So where is that little fat bastard, Gadahn? He was supposed to call my office this morning with a prepared statement for release.

Zawahiri: Gadahn!... Ah, don’t remind me. Every morning, when he should be praying, Gadahn goes down to the internet café to play that stupid computer game.

UBL: Dungeons and Dragons again? How many times have I told him the game is banned in the Holy World of Islam?

Zawahiri: But don’t worry, Usama….I have prepared today’s statement myself.

UBL: Read it to me, please, Zawahiri…

Zawahiri: Okay, here goes:

The Crusaders themselves have testified to their defeat in Afghanistan at the hands of the lions of the Taliban. The Crusaders have testified to their own defeat in Iraq at the hands of the mujahideen, who have taken the battle of Islam to the heart of the Islam world.

UBL: That sounds a little…how you say... mechanical… I like the idea, Zawahiri, but it says nothing of us.

Zawahiri: But the tape will begin with an audio taken from the cockpit where the admirable Mohammad Atta takes control of the plane which hit the….

UBL: But won’t that make the Crusaders angry?

Zawahiri: It will make only one-half of the Crusaders angry, by my own estimate. The other half of the Crusaders will be overjoyed at the prospect of defeating the Republicans at the American polls.

UBL: Polls? What is that again? Polls?

Zawahiri: Polls, I tell you again Usama, is the method by which the Westerners misjudge the direction of history. And having done so, they go on to choose a leader who will mismanage their countries in a way that most benefits their own enemies.

UBL: Which is us….

Zawahiri: Right again, Usama. And so now I must have your approval to release the statement.

UBL: Still, I still wish we could run it by that fat little pederast, Gadahn.

Zawahiri: But don’t worry so much, Usama. I too have been listening to the patterns of American speech among our Western allies.

UBL: Western allies?....my mind is not so clear these days….the bomb, the bomb….so close…. Tell me again, Zawahiri…..

Zawahiri: Let me read the entire list: John Murtha, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Kerry, Howard Dean, Chuck Hagel, Wolf Blitzer, Keith Olbermann, and most powerful and might of all our friends, Dennis Kucinich.

UBL: Kucinich? Ugly little dwarf, that one.

Zawahiri: But we need him right now. And when the revolution is complete and you are head of the World Caliphate, I will personally cut off his head before a live audience on CBS-TV.





Opens September 20. Admission is Free to Adults. Children under thirty must be accompanied by their parents.