Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Hillary Gets a Puppy

It’s come to my attention that many of you don’t like me. Well, I’m here to tell you . . . that’s BALONEY!  EVERYONE loves me, except maybe my neighbors in Chappaqua NY where I live some of the time. 

You heard about that, did you? The nerve of them—expecting me to join them in a protest against Barack Obama’s low-income housing edict.  How would that look?  The town has already built low-income housing palaces in Chappaqua, but truth to tell, Chappaqua doesn’t have enough poor people to fill them.  It doesn’t have ANY poor people as a matter of fact. 

You get poor people hanging around your town and it’s not only your popularity numbers which will go down, but so will your housing prices.   
That idiot Rob Asterino is really trying to stir the **it—ooops, did I say that?  He makes a good buck but even he can’t afford to live here in Chappaqua.  He told you so himself. He said it on CNN – which proves it is true! 

The notion that I’m not liked comes from a phony CNN/ORC pool which says….now most of you will think this is a joke but I’m serious….that my UNFAVORABLE ratings are the highest that they’ve even been in FOURTEEN YEARS.  Ha!  Ain’t that a laugh?  Me?  Hillary Rodham Clinton! Goddam, that burns my ass. Trust what I tell you!  Didn’t I steer you right about the amateur film that led to the killing of my ambassador and three CIA types? 

I’ll tell you what the problem is, alright?  The problem is that I don’t have a cute puppy following me around like most male presidents.  Men are dogs enough, aren’t they?  Anyway, I have Bill. His favorable ratings are good enough for both of us to be president.  Of course, he will be the co-president ONLY!

Yes, that’s right. I’m assuming I will be the president. Can’t miss. People are crazy about this ‘first’ business. You know…  Jimmy Carter being the first nuclear engineer president. Barack Obama being the first Kenyan. Ooopsie!  

Anyway, I’m a first. I will be the first woman president.  All I’ve got to do is get a nice puppy to follow me around.  Allergic to puppies as I am. 

Monday, July 20, 2015

Trump: "Don't Get Shot Down

Hey, it's me -- Donald Trump.  I want to say to some of you dummies out there. Don't. Get. Captured.  You hear me?  I'll say it again.  Don't get captured!  Why? Cause I don't like people who get captured. People who get captured aren't heroes. Not to me.  I would fire them.

And let me tell you another thing. This guy...whatsisname?... McCain, yeah. This McCain fellow is not a military hero. He got himself captured. Not only that, he ruins a perfectly good jet that cost in the millions of dollars . Due to his stupidity, this McCain fellow, He gets his multi-million dollar jet shot full of holes. Hey!  I'm a businessman. What I would do instead with all that money?  You know what I would do with all that money. You think this is a cheap suit?  You think I bought it down at Canal Street?

Alright, here's another thing.  McCain's supporters are accusing me of ducking military service with five deferments. A crock of RINO hooey!  My dad wouldn't pay for five deferments.  Four!  Only four, count 'em. I'll open up my records for all to see.  And the reason I wouldn't go into the military while the Vietnam War was going on is because:

Number One:  I'm no dummy.
Number Two:  I was building American real estate empire while McCain was lounging at one of the Hilton Hotels in a very nice part of Hanoi. I know it was a nice part of Hanoi -- I built several hotels and apartment houses there, all bearing the Trump name.  That McCain?  Loser!
Number Three:  That is a combination of one and two. See? Because that's how I do arithmetic.

Alright, enough already.  I just want you to understand. McCain got his expensive jet shot right out of the sky. Not only that, he doesn't even know how to eject properly and breaks his shoulder getting out of his ruined ride.  Not too smart, is it?  You think that's bad?  He can't even parachute straight, lands in the drink, has to be hauled out of the lake by a bunch of Viet Cong boy scouts. Alright they roughed him up a little, so what? They beat the crap out of him, in fact, but why wouldn't they?  Like all the other chumps who got shot down and were in the luxury Hanoi Hilton with him, McCain was trying to bomb ammunition factories and defense industries.

Hey, I'm telling you. This McCain guy has a history!  Getting shot down over North Vietnam wasn't his first rodeo. You ever hear of the U.S.S. Forrestal? yeah, well McCain was master of disaster in that fiasco too. Lucky he wasn't killed along with the other 134 navy guys who were burned to death.  Someone accidentally fired a rocket across the ship's deck, hits McCain A-4 Skyhawk and sets a bunch of bombs exploding, blowing up the whole thing--planes, flames, men flying every which way.

That's McCain for you.  A dumb ass who gets himself captured and lounges around the Hanoi Hilton for six years while the rest of us are hard at work making real estate deals.