Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Anne Coulter a Hillary Clinton Superdelegate?

Scene: The Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles.


The crowds are streaming out from the theatre after the Democratic presidential debate. In the private rooms reserved for celebrities, Hillary Clinton pushes her way past the papparazzi as her aides scuttle the following throng of people.
Hillary (urgently) Keerist...my bladder! (looking toward a sign) Ah, there it is...


Hillary enters and rushes to the bank of mirrors to pat at her hair before entering a stall. Suddenly, there is a bang on the outer door and in rushes Anne Coulter. Ann heads straight for the mirrors, patting her hair.

Anne Coulter (alarmed) : Oh, Christ!...I can't let anyone see me like this. (pats at her hairand applies makeup) Fuuuuuck!...Where is that damned eyeshadow? (fumbling in her purse) Damn, damn, damn....

Suddenly the stall door opens as Anne Coulter turns, surprised, thinking she was alone. The two women stare open mouthed at each other.

Hillary: Anne?...Anne Coulter?

Anne Coulter: Hillary?...What are you doing here? (grimaces) Yikes...never mind that. Stupid question...I'm just surprised..

Hillary: Not as surprised as I am, Anne...and I want to say, Anne, that....

Anne Coulter: You heard about it already?

Hillary: Yes,Anne...and I am so pleased with your endorsement that I am more than willing to let bygones be .... (pausing,moving toward Anne Coulter hands outstretched) Hey, where did you get that skirt? That's some skirt!

Anne Coulter (looking sheepish) : Do you like it, Hillary? Do you really like it?

Hillary: It's awesome...awesome on you, Anne. You're so thin...so razor-thin...

Anne Coulter is taken back, obviously moved to tears. Impulsively, she rushes into Hillary's outstretched arms. The two women exchange a long and warm embrace.

Anne Coulter : It takes a lot to know who your real friends are, Hillary. That's why I'm endorsing you for president.

Hillary (clenches her fist) : Womanhood is powerful!

Anne Coulter: You said it, Hill...Right on! (pumping her fist) Well, I guess I can thank that John McCain for one good thing at least.

Hillary: For bringing us together?

Anne Coulter (taking Hillary's hands) : Oh, Hillary...Do let us forget the past, shan't we?

Hillary : Anne, I'm just so glad to have you in our camp. I mean it, Anne... I am truly moved. Moved almost to tears. Tears of joy, that is. Not tears of anger, tears of joy, joy at meeting such a friend when all along...

Anne Coulter (interrupting) : I know, Hill, I know. 'Nuff said. Ummnnh..listen, Hillary, this is a little difficult for me, you understand.

Hillary (entreating) : Oh, I know, Anne. Believe me, Anne. You can't imagine how many nights I've agonized about you supporting that warmonger McCain.

Anne Coulter (suddenly angry) : DON'T even utter the man's name, Hillary, I beg of you!

Hillary: Or Barak...

Anne Coulter: Hillary, stop! Barak's a mere boy...cute, but still a boy...

Hillary: Whereas that John McCain...that man really scares me...

Anne Coulter : Scares you? Hah! Why, do you know that son-of-a-bitch snubbed me in the receiving line? Believe me, I'd waterboard the son-of-a-bitch and then he'd know what side his bread is buttered on... (sneering) I wouldn't hesitate!

Hillary : I know you wouldn't, Anne...and I know I can count on you and many other just like you. But I don't know...so much depends on appearance, don't you think? I mean... (thoughtfully) I suppose I could support waterboarding Senators and other politicians who like to argue with me. (laughs) And that includes my husband!

Anne Coulter : Yeah, well...you can't waterboard your husband...unfortunately...well (pauses) Politics does indeed make strange bedfellows...

Hillary : Hey, don't assume, Anne...who says we're bedfellows? Hah!...more like law partners... and you KNOW how that is... And I can keep up appearances like FOREVER! And you know, I'M IN NO WAYS TIRED!......

Anne Coulter: Yeah. Okay, Hill...give that line a rest, will ya'? I can't imagine anyone speaking like that, let alone an African-American. It sounds more like Amos n' Andy than Martin Luther King.

Both women begin to laugh heartily but are interrupted when an aide comes in the door. The aide, who recognizes the two, is shocked at the sight.

Hillary (sharply) : Ashley! ...Not a word, do you hear? Not a word of this to anyone or you'll end up working in a Walmart in Peoria so fast it'll make you head spin.

Aide (retreating) : Yes, ma'am...

Anne Coulter: How cute! Does she have a boyfriend? Yes, ma'am, she says. The last time I heard that was when I dated the tennis team at Tulane.

Hillary: (astonished, playing it up) You did? Honestly? You go, girl!

Anne Coulter: It was the most fun weekend I ever had!

Hillary (clueless) Who knew?

Anne Coulter: You're the first, Hillary. That's way back before I realized there was no money in being honest.

Hillary: I know exactly what you mean. (looks at her watch) But hey, we've got to get out of here. Shall we?

The two women exchange one last long embrace. Exeunt.

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