Friday, January 11, 2008

McCain Gets Moeursalen"s Help in Resolving Great Illegal Immigration Debate

This is how a British illegal immigrant named Ricky Hatton was recently treated by an American in Nevada.

The Great Immigration Debate in the U.S would be a lot easier to resolve if we drained some of the hate from it. Are we all supposed to march out into the street with our fists pumping into the air and screaming at the top of our lungs to get rid of all illegals? I’d worry that people would started hating back to different centuries, determining who was it exactly who arrived on the Mayflower without American citizenship. I guess everybody did. What happened next? Did people turn in their British passports and head on down to the immigration office to get American visas? Did the indigenous peoples protest about our lack of citizenship papers before we killed them off? And what about their citizenship papers? What gave them the right?

Okay, so I hear Democrats and Republicans screaming about the issue. Fine, I can scream as loud as anyone. Get rid of the money-sucking illegals! That way we’ll all be suddenly content and far more wealthy, driving around in luxury cars from socialist Europe. But how are we going to accomplish this task?

First, we’ve got to locate about 2 million criminals. That would be my first priority as president. I wouldn’t do anything else until I did that. Truth to tell, I think that screaming about illegals is the plan. A political candidate would not want to risk losing a hot campaign issue by coming up with a realistic plan for its resolution. They’re not stupid, you know.

While all the candidates are joined together in screaming about the effing illegals, I have only heard one candidate describe a single real plan. That’s John McCain. He must be pretty dumb, John McCain. Maybe something happened to his brain in the North Vietnamese prison camp for about five or six years. I bet there were lots of times he wished he could get deported. McCain could have some kind of ultra-realistic affliction which has no place in contemporary politics. Isn’t there a syndrome called URA? You know, the one where your brain goes, “Hey, this shit is effn serious bad shit!” all the time?

No one likes John McCain’s plan, probably because it’s the only one we’ve heard of. Immigrant plans are very much like people. When there’s only one of them, the plan gets lonely.

Other candidates are remarkably silent on the issue, except for the screaming. I can tell you right now that Obama wouldn’t be chasing down the illegals, nor would Hillary Clinton. Huckabee would have a tough time cuffing them especially if he saw them in church. Edwards would, no doubt, file a class action lawsuit on their behalf. Giuliani wouldn’t do it either—I’ve often questioned his citizenship. His last name ends with an “i”, you know. Eventually, everyone would weary and have the illusion that something had been done, that the crisis had passed, and that there were greater issues which required more immediate attention.

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