Monday, December 31, 2007

Billary Clinton and Kelsey Clinton: Campaign in Iowa

In Iowa, Hillary Clinton order the "Ole Iowa Breakfast" with eggs, buttered toast, and hash browns. Reporters said she took two bites. Chelsea was a lot more nutrition minded and had the egg-white omelette, clearly showing the pedegree of private high schools and Stanford University. And now, to the roll of drums, we continue our saga:

During our last series episode, we anxiously awaited Billary's appearance on Pablum TV, the highest rated liberal talk show in America. Prior to that interview, Billary was chided by her alter-persona BILL CLINTON (no relation to the former U.S. President) for her indecisiveness. Reacting in anger, BILLARY CLINTON threatens her Spanish maid with termination. Having composed herself, however, she is driven in a black carbon-emitting large-footprint stretch limousine to Pablum TV headquarters in Fort Lee, New Jersey where she appears on the set with PETER PUNDIT and GROTILDA.

PETER PUNDIT (smiling)
So glad you could be with us here today, Billary.

Thanks for having me.

Let me begin by asking you a tough question, Billary....
(pauses for effect)
You have often been criticized for your lack of fashion taste, yet we can see that your hair is freshly combed and your pantsuit is tasteful, though a bit understated....

BILLARY CLINTON (tight-lipped)
That's right....

I'm sorry, Billary, but I've got to ask you...what are your favorite colors for the outfits you wear on the campaign trail?

Billary raises her eyebrows and smiles, surprised by the question. She waits exactly 2.5 seconds and then begins to laugh heartily.

Well...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.... I've got to admit I'm taken a little back by your question. I'd have to think about that one...ha-ha-ha... And I know that my opponents have refused to answer that very question. Mr. Edwards often wears blue and often says he likes blue but then again he was head of the Trial Lawyers Federation so...
(pausing, leans toward Grotilda)
Well I'll let you in on a little secret about Mr. Biden's favorite colors...he always wears that nauseating red tie...but I've heard from...uh....


Unnh-uunnh!..Billary!...You didn't hear it from me. Big mistake!...Don't say it! It'll play on an endless loop 24/7 and will put your panties into a bunch...

Yes, Mrs. Clinton...we are here.

Yes, Billary...we're listening.

Can you hear us okay, Mrs. Clinton?

Is your mike working?

Yes, yes...oh, well...we were momentarily disconnected. But now I can hear you fine. We were talking about....

Mr. Biden's nauseating red ties, I know, but let me interject with one question, this one from a viewer in...
(looks to Grotilda)
The viewer from...

Wisconsin...The viewer from Wisconsin asks this question: Was it your idea to have Kelsey working the campaign trail with you in Iowa this morning? Or was it...
Oh!..Oh!...Poor child. I couldn't stop her. Kelsey, she just glued herself to my side and said "Mom, I want to help." She insisted on Iowa...poor child...our only child, in fact. I'm not a breeder like that Mormon character...he's got a regular dynasty in the making there. Christ, I don't bake cookies, either...I think I already told you that...

Yes, you did. That was during your husband's...

Who?...You mean, Bill? When Bill was President? So what of it?

We have some clips of Kelsey talking to a group in Iowa.
(looks out off-camera)
Can we roll that clip right now?


A meeting hall in Iowa. The room is filled with social workers and retired librarians. There are a few children. Billary is working the crowd, talking, shaking hands. Kelsey is right beside her, a smile frozen in place and her hands on the shoulders of a blonde, ten-year-old girl facing front.

George Bush has said that Democrats don't have a foreign policy. Well, I'll tell you about George Bush. George Bush has been a disaster for America. America is no longer loved in the Middle East as it was loved when Bill Clinton was president. America is no longer loved by the North Koreans nor by the Iranians.

KELSEY (muttering)
I can't say anything.
When I'm president, I promise I'll restore the love that America had from the governments in Germany, and in Spain, and in Syria, too.

I'm told not to say anything.

As for Al Qaeda, I'm going to show them another way, the way of diplomacy. The Bush administration has given Al Qaeda no choice but to fight. George Bush says they want to establish a Caliphate which extends from Kabul to Kokomo. Is that any way to conduct foreign policy?

The Bush girls can talk all they want but I can't talk. The Romney boys can talk all over the place but I can't talk.

Shut up, Kelsey...stop muttering!

Mommy and Daddy told me not to talk, not to say a word.
I can't give you an interview, little girl. Mommy's orders. Daddy's orders. Trippi's orders. Howard Dean's orders.

GROTILDA (gushing)
Well...Kelsey sure does seem to add youth to your campaign. What exuberance!

My, what a precocious child! And at the tender age of 27....


To be continued. Any resemblance to characters living or dead is purely coincidental. The "Bill Clinton" referred to in the current production is not the former "Bill Clinton, President of the United States."

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Billary Clinton Searches Her Soul for Answers to Tough Questions

Scene I

A television anchor team consisting of a man and a woman. The women is pretty. The male anchor is pretty, too.

PETER PUNDIT (smiling)
Good morning. I'm glad you could join us here on Pablum TV.
(turning to female anchor)
And a good morning to you, too, Grotilda. My, you're looking sexy today.
(leering, Peter turns to Grotilda)

GROTILDA (smiling)

GROTILDA faces the camera but she has one arm extended beneath the desk. She appears to be struggling but forces the smile into the camera. PETER'S face is flushed.

GROTILDA (smiling)
Good morning, Peter, and good morning, America. We're glad you could be here with us today. Also with us a little later on will be Billary Clinton, presidential candidate and we'll be discussing the new book "Why America Needs Billary Clinton."


Billary Clinton sitting in a hall of mirrors. Her reflection is multiplied a thousand times. Interspersed with the visage formerly known as the "first lady" is another male visage who looks oddly enough like the "former president."

BILLARY CLINTON (soliloquizing)
Well, if I say that then somebody will say this. If I say this, somebody will say that. On the other hand, if I say nothing, no one can say anything.
But if I say nothing, my opponents might say something and I'll be screwed...damn it all!
Billary Clinton pats her cheeks tentatively and frowns. A Spanish maidservant rushes up to her from off-camera with a hairbrush and begins brushing Billary's hair. Meanwhile, a sonorous male voice is heard off-screen.


Dang it,'re beginning to sound like John Kerry.


Why don't you just tell them you have a headache? That's what you always told me.
I din't mean that, Billary...Shucks, I was joshin' ya' and I just know that sounds slippery as deer-guts on a door-knob.

But who am I? Where am I going? Why am I here? And with whom?

SPANISH MAID (entreating)
Can you please sit straight, Senora?

BILLARY CLINTON (suddenly wild with anger)
Sit straight? You mind your manners if you want to get paid! I'll have you sitting straight on a steamship heading back to Argentina.

Oh!...Aieee...Lo siento! sorry...
(to be continued)

Thursday, December 27, 2007

The Battle for Iowa : Caucus Count

The Battle for Iowa falls strangely silent except for John McCain’s even-toned frontal assault on the issue of Benazir Bhutto’s murder. It’s a good time to listen to a presidential candidate, with the crucial moments of world history, yet the Democratic candidates are unable to come up with anything that passes for a leadership statement.

Billary Clinton remarked that Bhutto was her friend and she had lost someone akin to a sorority sister.

Barak Obama was smart enough to issue a canned statement since anything he might say would have the decided ring of irrelevancy. Billary Clinton recently referred to Obama’s “naivete” in a recent barbed statement.

I haven’t been able to find anything about John Edwards’ comments—John Edwards…call me!....

The clearest statement on the Republican side, of course, comes from John McCain. Maybe you’re not voting for McCain (as I am) but let’s admit that we need a president whose experience of foreign affairs hasn’t come from a college textbook (otherwise, I might be president) or from riding the coattails of a president with a failed foreign policy. According to a recent book, it was Billary who made Hill Clinton appoint Madeleine Albright as Secretary of State and Janet Reno as AG. No matter that Madeleine Albright blew the communications so much that Saddam Hussein thought she’d given him the green light to invade Kuwait (precipitating the 1st Gulf War). You didn’t know that? You’ll find corroboration in Newsweek magazine of that era if you really need to know.

Bhutto Assassinated: Cui Bono?

The assassination of Benazir Bhutto has all the markings of a right-wing Islamic fascist attempt to destabilize western leaning governments. Having seen the assassination of Egyptian president Anwar Sadat by right-wing Islamic fascists after he’d signed a peace treaty with Israel, you already know this. Yet, there are elements in the world media who would rather play into the politics of the day than face the facts. This assassination is for you, says Al Qaeda and the Taliban.

The idea that Musharraf might have aided the assassins in any way is patently absurd, and the only people who won’t admit this are outright liars and propagandists. To believe this, you have to believe that Musharraf is about as dumb as a turnip. And you have to be na├»ve enough to believe that a turnip seed will grow into a Crown Prince. How will the death of the popular opposition leader help Musharaff stay in power? By causing widespread unrest?

Benazir Bhutto was warned away from the area where she was murdered, along with 15 or 20 others. It should come as no surprise that parts of Pakistan, especially the part in the North which is close to the Taliban sanctuaries, cannot be effectively controlled by any military force. Bhutto survived an assassination attempt by suicide bomber on the day she arrived in Pakistan. The Islamo-fascists thrive on the divided factions of the western democracies who are more inclined to shoot at each other than the real enemies of freedom. Do the right thing—don’t play into it.

Friday, December 21, 2007

CNBC Interview with Senator Charles Schumer of New York

The following interview dates from November 27, 2007 and features my reporters Mark Haynes and Erin Burnett who also moonlight on CNBC (first in business). This clip got my attention because, as Joe Schmuck American, I am often baffled by government policy advocates and representatives who seem to contradict themselves, especially in the area of foreign ownership of American assets like banks, ports, investment firms, and stock markets (NASDAQ). Mark Haynes noted the contradiction, too, and he asked Senator Schumer about it. It's the kind of stuff I didn't pay attention to for about two centuries. These two reporters know how to double-team a broken-field runner like Schumer. Watch how's he's checked by Erin Burnett and forced to run into a strong tackle by chubby-cheeked, sarcastic, but jolly Mark Haynes. Click the link below:

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Neo-Jesus: Huckabee is Thee

I got a Christmas card from Mike Huckabee. It was on TV. In a seasonal red sweater and with a camera shot passed through a warm filter, Neo-Jesus looked like the kind of guy you could trust to watch your kids while you were out to caucus in Iowa.

With a cross in the background of the campaign ad, the Arkansas governor entreats you to forget all about the nastiness of politics. Don’t get turned off by the process. Focus on warmth and the Christmas season. Iowa next stop, don’t worry about it.

Neo-Jesus saves. Neo-Jesus forgives. As governor of Iowa, he’s issued over a thousand pardons or commuted sentences. It’s in the Bible—remember Barabbas? Barabbas was a burglar. Neo-Jesus goes one step further than Real Jesus and pardons a murderer and a rapist, the papers say. Neo-Jesus is a nice guy. He forgives and spends money. The Morning Joe cast on MSNBC adores him. Democrats adore him because they can beat him down later when it counts.

Neo-Jesus is with me always...

Neo-Jesus: Huckabee is Thee

A Christmas card from presidential candidate Mike Huckabee.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Election 2008: Billary Leads in New Hampshire

If Billary wins the presidency, it’s going to be very weird. The media will have to separate itself into two separate armies. One media army will cover actual news events while the other will be assigned to the permanent job of sorting out the origins of any ideas which emanate from the Office of the President. Did such and such idea come from Bill? Or was that Hillary? Both will be interrogated in separate interrogation rooms but, engaging the political acumen for which they are both renowned, neither will confess. America will be doomed to a harmonious fictional concordance the real danger of which will be mostly to the American psyche. If the Clintons can stand it, they will not go mad. America may bristle at government by a committee of two but, in the end, they will accept Billary as a single monoorganism capable of expressing both the Yin and the Yang of government. All will be well in America. All will be twice as good as things were before. There will be no need to worry. Billary will be there for you.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Election 2008: Painting Targets on Your Toes

Election Year 2008 is dismal if not completely depressing. The Democratic candidates are adrift in a sea of pacifism and the Republican candidates (with one exception) are busy painting targets on their toes.

That Huckabee guy creeps me out a little bit with his insinuations about Romney’s religion. And Romney creeped me out with that televised speech about how we should look at him no differently than JFK with his Catholicism. I wasn’t, I wouldn’t, I’m not interested in any of that. But the whole thing makes you feel uncomfortable.

I could get along with that Obama guy if he weren’t such a pacifist. I expect his foreign policy would be much like Hillary’s or Chris Dodd’s or Biden’s or Bill Clinton’s. I could suffer just about any one of those Democrats in terms of domestic policy (even Lawyer Edwards) but I positively freak at the things they want me to believe about foreign affairs. If I were an Al Qaeda operative, I’d be putting my money behind one of them for sure. I’d be planning my next move during the Democratic administration, after they’ve stopped the Feds from bugging the phones when I’m contacting my peeps in the U.S. terror cells.

I’d vote for any Republican who supports the war on terror, even if a gay black female Republican was top of the ticket. Actually, a gay, black female Republican who understood foreign policy and understands that we need to fight the phony Islamo-nazis would probably really kick some ass.

Just about every president has faced a military test in the early months of the presidency. What would Hillary do? Asking Bill won’t help much, considering how he played it during his presidency. Edwards will worry about messing up his hair.
Dodd will offer some kind of financial deal.

I have trouble seeing anyone except McCain as a war president. Besides, Senator McCain seems very sensible. He has lots of government experience. Plus there’s the added benefit he’s not a punk. The bastard enemies who want to kill us know that. They’ll think…McCain, hmmmh….

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I Like You But Not After I Get to Know You

Krakovsky muses about a Harvard Business School study of online dating, which found that first impressions are generous and that second looks change considerably -- for the worse. During first impressions, daters usually responded positively because the information they received is ambiguous. Later, when they get to know their mates better, they tended to give lower grades. However, college-age research subjects bucked the trend, mostly saying they'd like someone more after getting to know them. Krakovsky gets to the crux of the research quickly in this bare-bones summary.
in The New York Times Magazine by Marina Krakovsky, 9 December 2007
This abstract was edited by Brijit. Read more here...

Monday, December 10, 2007

Maureen Dowd Plays Dowdy Dorothy in Wizard of Washington

Maureen Dowd wrote an almost-good article about Mitt Romney’s recent speech regarding Mormonism and how it should or shouldn’t figure into the vote for the U.S. president. Not wanting to take the weight of opinion entirely upon herself, she quoted some lines from a conversation she had with John Krakauer , the best-selling author of a book about the Mormon religion called “Under the Banner of Heaven.”

“J.F.K.’s speech was to reassure Americans that he wasn’t a religious fanatic,” she quotes Krakauer. “Mitt’s was to tell evangelical Christians, ‘I’m a religious fanatic just like you.’

The drift of Dowd’s editorial was that Romney wasn’t exactly like the first Catholic president, JFK, who also faced religious disapprobation. That’s true if you interpret the concept as narrowly as she does, but it’s an interesting editorial nonetheless and makes for interesting reading.

The reason Dowd’s article is not entirely good is that all of the Jacks Jump Out of the Boxes when she attacks Republicans by declaring:

The world is globalizing, nuclear weapons are proliferating, the Middle East is seething, but Republicans are still arguing the Scopes trial.”

Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t Democrats (with the notable exception of Joe Lieberman) embarked on a campaign of appeasement, acquiescence, and surrender on nuclear weapons and the Middle East? As to why “globalizing” is a demon which must be addressed, I’m completely puzzled by her inclusion of that concept in the same breath and sentence as nuclear weapons. Doesn’t a rising tide lift most, if not all, boats? Maybe Maureen’s the Dowdy Dorothy from the Backward Province she mentions in the first line of her partisan attack.

As for the Scopes trial illusion, I would say that arguing about Surrender Monkeys is not the same thing as arguing about evolution.

Someone should tell her.

Is Voting for President Anything Like On-Line Dating?

I was reading about a study conducted regarding on-line dating attitudes. Endemic to the research conducted by Michael I. Norton of the Harvard Business School is the conclusion that first impressions are generous and that second looks change considerably--for the worse. The research indicates that, during first impressions, we tend to respond positively because the information we receive is ambiguous. Later, when we experience the person, we tend to give them lower grades. No matter what, though, college age research subjects are optimistic about future prospects. We’re always hoping that our new acquaintances will turn out to be just like memory of that close friend we met a long time ago and with whom we are still friendly. Think about that when you’re voting for president.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

"Pound Puppy" Robert Hawkins Kills Eight

Duh on me! I just learned that mall security in Nebraska is unarmed. Or perhaps it was just that particular mall where a “pound puppy” of a teenager killed eight people with a rifle he took from his father’s house.

No doubt the kid was a lost soul but it sounds as if there are other lost souls involved in the incident. A New York Times story has it that Robert Hawkins got the rifle from his dad’s house. Another story had it that he got the rifle from his step-dad’s house. There’s not much difference there, certainly, but the fact is that Hawkins had been kicked out of the family home and had been living at the home of a friend.

According to the New York Times story, Hawkins told the people he was living with that he’d got the rifle to go target shooting. Apparently, this didn’t raise any red flags with anyone, nor were there any behavioral alerts which might have alarmed anyone. Of course, there was the last minute phone call, some cryptic notes, and a forlorn sort of apology to Mrs. Kovacs, the householder where Hawkins was living. No red flags there, either. We’re all just grooving along, minding our own business.

That’s the trouble with the way we do things these days. It’s another form of post-traumatic-stress-disorder only this form of it afflicts the media, parents, educational institutions, and society in general. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so we gild the lily.

The “pound puppy” murdered eight people. Can we assume Hawkins hurt their feelings as well? Hawkins’ parents probably had to kick him out but then, knowing their progeny was such a piece of work, why didn’t they lock up the family arsenal? It is implied, but never stated, that Mrs. Kovacs knew that Hawkins brought the rifle to her house. So you have a kid whom she knows is troubled bringing an AR-15 into her house and you do nothing about it? The cryptic phone call and goofy notes certainly must have given everyone a clue but, never mind, let’s make nice.

Contrast this to another mall shooting earlier this year where five people were killed in February. In that one, mall security was unarmed, too, but not an armed off-duty cop in civilian clothes who engaged the killer in a gunfight which kept the body count from mounting even higher. In that mall shooting, eighteen year-old Sulejman Talovic was said to have “no motive” though some reports say that the Bosnian refugee acted out of “Sudden Jihad Syndrome” inasmuch as he is said to have chanted a Muslim phrase while he was shooting people.

The point is not that Talovic was a Muslim but that the environment in which we currently live is such that we must always be spoon-fed a great deal of euphemistic Pablum. No problems are ever addressed by not speaking plainly. On the contrary, the lack of truth-telling in the media and elsewhere means we have a smile on our face while we have bad faith in our minds and hearts.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Supreme Court and The Supreme Clown Protest

Inexplicably, the Supreme Court is now listening to arguments that it had previously ruled out with regard to closing Guantanamo. It’s a brilliant idea, so brilliant that protesters outside the Court wore hoods over their heads so that they could remind us of the Salafist propensity for anonymous head-chopping. Apparently, two of these creeps in their orange suits have copied the Vietnam-era insignia for heroes missing in action. C’mon, take off your masks so that your mommies can see you. Or are you afraid you’ll have your weekly allowance cut back?

There’s a cop in the background. I wonder what he’s thinking. Give him my best wishes for exercising self-restraint. Maybe the protestors should be dropped off at Al-Qaeda headquarters with Teddy Bears named Mohammed.

The photo is from the Washington Post. Photo credit is to the New York Times.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Gillian's Island: A Sudanese Prison

British schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons is back in the U.K with some kind words to say about the Sudanese. I suppose the diplomacy will be appreciated by the government of a country where extremists try to exterminate people of more diverse beliefs. The real tragedy of Gibbons plight is that it’s not exactly helpful to improving conditions in the beleaguered countries of the Third World. Idealists like Gillian Gibbons will have think twice before going to parts of the world where their abilities and compassion are sorely needed. Imprisoning Gillian and threatening to chop off her head doesn’t help Sudanese school children.