Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Talking Heads in the Cyber Age

(Previously on Senate Stop-The-War: Senators wheel cots into the capitol like feckless college kids pulling an “all-nighter.” Hilary Clinton makes her now famous 4:00 in the morning Stop-The-War Pitch to bored legislators. This is viewed by the press as a departure from her early positioning on the war, her later positioning, last week’s posture, and her developing strategy. Harry Reid does all he can to make pal Nancy feel comfortable on the narrow cot, providing 600 thread-count sheets emblazoned with the logo of the stupendous Las Vegas Bellagio Casino. Senator Carl Levin spends time primping and surfing the internet to find a pair of bi-focals that will make him look “Franklinesque”)

Act II, Scene I: New York’s Senator Hilary Clinton attempts to rouse the sleeping Speaker of the House).

Hilary Clinton: (poking Pelosi’s ribs) C’mon, Nancy…. Get up, will you? You’ll miss the YouTube-CNN debate. I need you there to watch the popularity meter.

Nancy Pelosi: (sitting up on her cot, moaning, and rubbing her eyes) Oh, for the love of Mike, Hilary….leave me the hell alone!....

Hilary Clinton: Get up, damn it! You’re the majority leader!

Nancy Pelosi: Oaaammmmmh!... (yawns)…those yellow jackets!... Where’d you get them anyway?

Hilary Clinton: Harry got them from some guy in Vegas. What does it matter? Get up, your limo’s waiting outside.

Act II, Scene II: The CNN-YouTube debate. Most of the Democratic candidates are there. This time, Hilary has demanded a podium well away from John Edwards’ podium. That anti-democratic open mike embarrassment still stings. Hilary now needs to look open and inviting. The decolletage strategy was only the first step.

Chorus: BZZZZSSSSSSZZzzzzzzzzz….blah-blah…..blur-blur….. Bsxxxxzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Debate Monitor: Senator Dodd seemed really steamed tonight although the source of his apoplexy has not yet been determined. His campaign advisors urged him to show passion and so the Senator from Connecticut fulminated in every utterance. Asked if he would like someone to fill up his water glass… (cut to Senator Dodd)

Senator Dodd: Water! Humphh!... I know water like nobody knows water! Do I want some? I’ll tell you this… I’m not about to have a drink of water before anyone else has a drink! Besides, I love Connecticut! What the hell does that have to do with my being president? Well, one of the things I’d do when I’m president is let the people decide. Water, yes, water is a good thing for the country! It’s about time someone had the balls to get up and shout it out for the entire country to hear! That’s something I haven’t heard from any of them, except maybe Dennis Kucinich!

Debate Monitor: There are only two other persons who stood out this evening: Senators Barak Obama and Joe Biden of that small chicken-raising state of Delaware. Asked about the candidate position on the Iraq War, the Senators responded:

Barak Obama: My position on Iraq and my position on being an African-American are the same as it ever was. And, unlike my opponents, my position doesn’t change when I’m in New York City trying to hail a cab, either.

Joe Biden: Hilary, Dennis, Chris, Barak, and that cracker guy with the fancy hair-do…ooops!..I didn’t mean that, ha-ha….Senator Edwards, I should have said… are all talking about a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. I’m going to give it to you straight. Showing ass while the troops are in the field is going to get lots of people killed. And which of these assembled liberals is going to pony up to that?

Hilary Clinton: Senator Biden, I strongly object! I resent being called a liberal! The correct word is “progressive.” “Progressive” means forward. “Progressive” , in this case means fast forward to the day Bill and I reclaim our rightful progressive heritage in the White House.

Nancy Pelosi: Well said, Hil! The popularity meter crossed the median point.

Harry Reid: Hi, Nancy…how well did you sleep?

Carl Levin: (trying on a new pair of bi-focals) Now how Franklinesque do I look?

Debate Monitor: That’s about it for tonight, folks. Tune in again for another future edition of Foreign Policy Roulette.

(The lights go down on the stage, though we hear a shriek and a voice calling “Harry!...”)

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