Hillary Clinton's Exciting Iowa Adventure (The Movie)

Disclaimer: This script refers not to real people but to fake personas which bear no resemblance to the real people whose names we borrowed. Any resemblence to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

FADE IN:  A dark van speeding down a country road toward Iowa and the Des Moines Airport. Inside the van are a bunch of CNN reporters playing video games on their laptops.  These are the CNN Hillary Corps.

ABOVE THE CLOUDS: A Lear Jet begins its descent to the Des Moines Airport. Inside the comfortable luxury jet, HILLARY CLINTON lies on an alpaca skin couch. She is getting a back rub from two other CNN reporters, RACHEL MADDOW and CHRIS CUOMO, brother of New York Governor, ANDREW CUOMO.

CHRIS CUOMO: Are you awake, Hillary? We’re about to touch down.

HILLARY CLINTON:  Ooooooh, Chris! That feels so goooood! I never want to land. I can’t stand the thought of getting into that damned tin box on wheels. Who came up with that whackjob idea anyway?

RACHEL MADDOW:  I did, Hillary. It is important for the peons to see you as a champion of the people.

         (then she notices something that alarms her)

Chris Cuomo!  What do you think you’re doing?  I am the only one allowed to massage Hillary’s buttocks.  Keep your hands above Hillary’s  waist – back, neck, and shoulders only.

CHRIS CUOMO:  Sorry, Rachel. Whenever I see a future president, my hands just seem to develop a mind of their own.

RACHEL MADDOW:  Ooooh, Chris. I know exactly what you mean. I feel you.

HILLARY CLINTON: (irritably) Why don’t you two stop bickering?  There’s enough of me for everyone.

CHRIS CUOMO: There will never be enough of you, Hillary.  But I’m afraid you have to put on some clothes. That tank top just won’t do.

RACHEL MADDOW:  And you’ll have to lose the Yoga Pants, Hillary.

HILLARY CLINTON:  Alright – get me one of my Susanna Beverly Hills pants suits. Or should I wear Anna Wintour? Maybe Oscar de la Renta. It doesn’t matter, so long as I’m wearing the pants in the family. At least the Huffington Post will gush and write adoring articles about me.

RACHEL MADDOW: I’ll get it for you, Hillary. Could I? Please?

CHRIS CUOMO: (pushes her back) No! It’s my turn to help you dress.

Rachel Maddow and Chris Cuomo are battling it out in the aisles of the luxury Lear Jet. Hillary is watching gleefully as Chris Cuomo pulls a tuft of Rachel Maddow;s hair out.

HILLARY CLINTON:  Hey, stop fighting. We’re about to land. And I’ve got to sneak into that damn hoopty van without any reporters seeing me. Remember, you two are sworn to secrecy. No sleazy tattle-tale memoirs about my campaign. You know my motto: “If you can’t bake it, you can always fake it.”

(To be continued)