Billary Clinton and Kelsey Clinton: Campaign in Iowa

In Iowa, Hillary Clinton order the "Ole Iowa Breakfast" with eggs, buttered toast, and hash browns. Reporters said she took two bites. Chelsea was a lot more nutrition minded and had the egg-white omelette, clearly showing the pedegree of private high schools and Stanford University. And now, to the roll of drums, we continue our saga:


During our last series episode, we anxiously awaited Billary's appearance on Pablum TV, the highest rated liberal talk show in America. Prior to that interview, Billary was chided by her alter-persona BILL CLINTON (no relation to the former U.S. President) for her indecisiveness. Reacting in anger, BILLARY CLINTON threatens her Spanish maid with termination. Having composed herself, however, she is driven in a black carbon-emitting large-footprint stretch limousine to Pablum TV headquarters in Fort Lee, New Jersey where she appears on the set with PETER PUNDIT and GROTILDA.

PETER PUNDIT (smiling)
So glad you could be with us here today, Billary.

BILLARY CLINTON
Thanks for having me.

GROTILDA
Let me begin by asking you a tough question, Billary....
(pauses for effect)
You have often been criticized for your lack of fashion taste, yet we can see that your hair is freshly combed and your pantsuit is tasteful, though a bit understated....

BILLARY CLINTON (tight-lipped)
That's right....

GROTILDA
I'm sorry, Billary, but I've got to ask you...what are your favorite colors for the outfits you wear on the campaign trail?

Billary raises her eyebrows and smiles, surprised by the question. She waits exactly 2.5 seconds and then begins to laugh heartily.

BILLARY CLINTON
Well...ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.... I've got to admit I'm taken a little back by your question. I'd have to think about that one...ha-ha-ha... And I know that my opponents have refused to answer that very question. Mr. Edwards often wears blue and often says he likes blue but then again he was head of the Trial Lawyers Federation so...
(pausing, leans toward Grotilda)
Well I'll let you in on a little secret about Mr. Biden's favorite colors...he always wears that nauseating red tie...but I've heard from...uh....

OFF SCREEN V.O:

VOICE OF BILL CLINTON
Unnh-uunnh!..Billary!...You didn't hear it from me. Big mistake!...Don't say it! It'll play on an endless loop 24/7 and will put your panties into a bunch...

PETER PUNDIT
Yes, Mrs. Clinton...we are here.

GROTILDA
Yes, Billary...we're listening.

PETER PUNDIT
Can you hear us okay, Mrs. Clinton?

GROTILDA
Is your mike working?

BILLARY CLINTON
Yes, yes...oh, well...we were momentarily disconnected. But now I can hear you fine. We were talking about....

PETER PUNDIT
Mr. Biden's nauseating red ties, I know, but let me interject with one question, this one from a viewer in...
(looks to Grotilda)
The viewer from...

GROTILDA
Wisconsin...The viewer from Wisconsin asks this question: Was it your idea to have Kelsey working the campaign trail with you in Iowa this morning? Or was it...
BILLARY CLINTON
Oh!..Oh!...Poor child. I couldn't stop her. Kelsey, she just glued herself to my side and said "Mom, I want to help." She insisted on Iowa...poor child...our only child, in fact. I'm not a breeder like that Mormon character...he's got a regular dynasty in the making there. Christ, I don't bake cookies, either...I think I already told you that...

GROTILDA
Yes, you did. That was during your husband's...

BILLARY CLINTON
Who?...You mean, Bill? When Bill was President? So what of it?

PETER PUNDIT
We have some clips of Kelsey talking to a group in Iowa.
(looks out off-camera)
Can we roll that clip right now?

DISSOLVE TO:

A meeting hall in Iowa. The room is filled with social workers and retired librarians. There are a few children. Billary is working the crowd, talking, shaking hands. Kelsey is right beside her, a smile frozen in place and her hands on the shoulders of a blonde, ten-year-old girl facing front.

BILLARY CLINTON
George Bush has said that Democrats don't have a foreign policy. Well, I'll tell you about George Bush. George Bush has been a disaster for America. America is no longer loved in the Middle East as it was loved when Bill Clinton was president. America is no longer loved by the North Koreans nor by the Iranians.

KELSEY (muttering)
I can't say anything.
BILLARY CLINTON
When I'm president, I promise I'll restore the love that America had from the governments in Germany, and in Spain, and in Syria, too.

KELSEY
I'm told not to say anything.

BILLARY CLINTON
As for Al Qaeda, I'm going to show them another way, the way of diplomacy. The Bush administration has given Al Qaeda no choice but to fight. George Bush says they want to establish a Caliphate which extends from Kabul to Kokomo. Is that any way to conduct foreign policy?

KELSEY
The Bush girls can talk all they want but I can't talk. The Romney boys can talk all over the place but I can't talk.

BILLARY CLINTON (aside)
Shut up, Kelsey...stop muttering!

KELSEY
Mommy and Daddy told me not to talk, not to say a word.
(sadly)
I can't give you an interview, little girl. Mommy's orders. Daddy's orders. Trippi's orders. Howard Dean's orders.

GROTILDA (gushing)
Well...Kelsey sure does seem to add youth to your campaign. What exuberance!

PETER PUNDIT
My, what a precocious child! And at the tender age of 27....

FADE OUT:

To be continued. Any resemblance to characters living or dead is purely coincidental. The "Bill Clinton" referred to in the current production is not the former "Bill Clinton, President of the United States."