Saturday, May 17, 2008

Some Same Sex Marriage Suggestions

I was very pleased to hear that the California Supreme Court issued a mandate to legalize same sex marriages. It’s about time that California emerged from the Dark Ages of Unrequited Love. Ellen DeGeneres joyously announced she would soon marry her significant other in a California ceremony.

In light of this enlightened ruling, a Same-Sex Marriage Cupid should have high hopes of uniting those whom the old-fashioned marrying laws kept apart. In the interest of “hope and change”, we must acknowledge:

Certainly, the world would approve of a marriage between Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann; the two are evenly matched in wit, word, and political tilt, and are often seen smiling together and complimenting each other on the Obama Channel.

I don’t think it would be far-fetched to bring Bill Maurer together with Jon Stewart. Just think of the laughs the two would get if they appeared together as spouse-and-spouse on the Comedy Channel. The two men are appropriately matched intellectually, too, favoring a glib liberalism of style to hide an apparent lack of depth.

On the other side of the Gender Gap, I think Kelly O’Donnell would make a nice catch for Mika Brezinski. Kelly’s chuckling delivery and winsome cackling, as she recounts the day’s disasters, would contrast well with Brezinski’s somber and morose uptightness, an attitude often punctuated by a forced smile or a clumsy repartee to nemesis Joe Scarborough. Kelly obviously enjoys the soft, feminine role so the bony, sharper-edged and snarky Mika could easily snuggle into the softer pscho-folds of perfect soul-mate Kelly O’Donnell.

Frankly, I’m at a loss to know who would make Christiane Amanpour a happy mate. The worldly and well-traveled reporter has a head on her shoulders, liberal or not, and is not content to sit at home baking cookies. Andrea Mitchell occurred to me; Andrea would be suitably matched with homogeneic political credentials.

Andrea, however, might be far too dull for Ms. Amanpour, though the dynamic and playful former Fed Chairman with whom she cohabits would slyly say otherwise. That leaves(possibly, I say) Barbara Walters. I think the match with an older woman would ‘settle’ the younger one and add much needed zest to the life of the other. Oftentimes Barbara shows different aspects of herself, though; there is the Mercurial Barbara, the Consoler Barbara, the Empathizer Barbara, the Insightful Barbara, and, most appealing of all, the Sang-Froid Barbara. It is that last which would most excite Christian Amanpour, who desperately wants to be dominated but has not yet met her match in persistence, and so has not yet revealed to anyone her feminine vulnerabilities.

So you see, there is nothing to fear from same-sex marriages. We have no right to prevent such joyful unions as those entertained above. It is a good thing for solitary and furtive souls to find satisfaction in sameness and sexo-socio-cultural homogeneity. We must help these people to find marital bliss.

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